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BUTCHER’S BISTRO: Bug-out Bars

In the early end of days, you won’t have time to trap and forage all your food, especially with all the zombie skulls you’ll be smashing. Don’t burn out on an empty stomach. I recommend food that doesn’t require a fire to heat, water to re-hydrate, heavy/fragile/bulky packaging nor time to process or prepare. Fuel up on something nutritious to keep your body going and delicious to keep your mind sane. Yea, you can buy protein or cliff bars, but hunting down and assembling your own ingredients is way more fun.

Materials:

- 1 big metal pot, 1 smaller metal pot (or a double boiler, as ones used to melt chocolate)

- 1 metal spatula

- 1 casserole dish or baking tray Ingredients: (including but not limited to)

- Nut butter, haha (peanut or almond)

- Honey (spreadable is best)

- Oil (extra virgin coconut oil is best, but Crisco or lard will work. Haven’t tried bacon fat yet.)

- Nuts (cashews, almonds, pistachio, wall, chest, pine, hazel) - Seeds (sesame, pumpkin, sunflower, flax, chia)

- Dried fruit (raisins, craisins, mango, apple, currants, berries, banana, coconut)

- Protein powder (add this if you don’t want to shit)

- Oat/bran (add these if you want to shit more)

- Optional morale flavoring (maple syrup, cinnamon, vanilla extract)

Procedure:

- If you don’t know how a double-boiler works (giyf.com), put some water in the big pot, heat it to medium-high and then place the smaller pot inside. The water acts like a buffer to keep your bar mix from burning.

- Toss in several table spoons of nut butter and a big spoon of oil and honey (you can always add more later)

- Once the nut butter, honey and oil have become runny, add in the nuts, seeds and dried fruit. Stir with spatula until evenly mixed into a thick, crumbly, mashed-potato like consistency. Add more nuts and seeds if it’s too smooth, add nut butter if it’s too thick.

- Press and form into casserole dish or spread on baking tray. Let it cool and harden in the fridge.

- Once set, cut into bars and sandwich baggie them. They are essentially non-perishable as long as the rats don’t get them before you do. I keep mine in the fridge or freezer for extra long-term storage.

Notes:

- These bars are meant to be consumed during hardcore camping, hiking, or rebuilding civilization. If you eat them while the trucks are still rolling, you will get fat and wont shit for days.

- In the wild, fat is very rare, especially if you can’t fish or hunt. You’ll be glad you put the lard in.

- 1 cup of almonds is 30 grams of protein, the same as a can of tuna. You’ll get plenty jacked up on these bars.

- In a winter apocalypse, you’ll be burning 2000-3000 calories per day or more, so don’t be stingy on the honey and fruits. Sugar also gives you a +50 boost in mental resolve.

Keep your head in the game and your bones with do the rest.

- Dominic "The Butcher" Etynkowski

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